a hole, somewhere deep inside is sucking up all the emotion. everything around feels shapeless, no pressure, no temperature, no nothing. unable to attach to anything; physically or emotionally. outside agencies enforce a life rhythm, that keeps pushing me into a direction. not the one i'm choosing, because all the choices are dictated by the rational course of possible consequences, something that's been experienced before, something that's already been learned and digested. no perception involved, in nothing. nothing satisfies. the brain works long hours, trying to compensate for all the rest of me that just lacks any feeling, drastically. that is why everything seems to come out used up already. nothing is pure and clean, all this crap belongs to me, it's my own, yet it is so 'second-hand'. the waiting for an explosion has taken way too long. the nearly digital reflexes keep me going. they let me eat, breathe and tire myself out up to a point of crashing just for a few minutes it seems, because the brain just won't reset completely. total disability to attach hurts the most. my behavior becomes unjustifiable. rare moments of nervous reflection make me feel sorry. sorry for everything i have said or done to myself in the first place, but mostly for all that i haven't given to the people around me. for a long time i thought it was egoism, now i think it's just way rougher than that. not being in peace with your own self, no matter how good or bad to the outside, excludes the egoism. rudeness, caused by anxiety of saying too much or being silent long enough to start digging, that is no egoism...it's fear. fear of looking up to the fact that circumstances might bend anyone after-all, fear of not-belonging, fear to be left alone most of all. 'letting go' is the key in all this. letting go is just something that cannot be learned, it cannot be given by someone else, it cannot be practiced and prepared in advance, so you would be all mobile and set at the very moment when shit hits your soul. this letting go is the only connection between your inside and their outside. the only stability that can be achieved in life is the dynamic one. acknowledging this is hard, painful and very unnatural, as it basically makes you say that some time the moment will come and you will have to swallow. self-esteem, valuing yourself and respecting others, welcoming criticism and all those other inputs are just shades of one same thing: fear for yourself, fear of losing control. 

in combination with the other sharp and ugly factor, the lucid agreement that time runs our lives, this self-vacuum becomes unbearable. being able to witness how things around us slow down for a moment, glance at their watches, then look up to us, seeing us choking up and shutting our eyes every single time. this has become a ritual, my very own contra-lie to time. every chance i get to see it slowing down and giving me an opportunity to leap, i pretend i haven't noticed it, i remain standing there all stiff from fear of misplacing something. in moments of clarity, it becomes obvious that everything that can be misplaced at that instant is a thought, which will prove to be valuable or worthless later on, sadly a moment far behind the one of potential action. people leave because they lack the time. they pass by, leaving scratches on my pretentious tabula rasa. understanding this mechanism hurts like hell, not being strong and flexible enough to break through it with feelings numbs me out, making me passive aggressive. during this vacuum, emotions just do not seem to exist. the purest feelings from the outside seem worthless and misplaced, lucky, foolish, highly undeserved. being unable to 'feel back' is the most frustrating thing i have ever experienced. eventually this enforced agony might lead to some deep pain hazard that will just unleash some magical substance inside and all the problems will be solved. what a fragile bridge made of thoughts and excuses, such a fucking utopia. 

thoughts are nice... they help out, but they do not save. too many thoughts and analysis pollute the soul, they freeze it down to this self-induced vacuum. they make us running circles, making up excuses for losing time while running circles, making up reasons for losing ourselves while digging deeper. the tiny bit of feeling i squeeze out of myself right now still originates from an intelligence-based despair. the warmth from the outside seems to be nothing more than an idea. excellence is the only undeniable substance.  it's merged the idea and feeling. the excellence provides some perspective, for the rest it's touching and letting go, letting myself go in order to stop con-cycling. 

i wanna sit myself down, i wanna shut the fuck up, i wanna stop thinking, i wanna stop pretending to be a smart boy who will figure it out and kindly explain it later on...i just wanna breathe and enjoy and may my lousy thoughts prevent me from going too far at this. no temporary help-outs though, no alcohol and substances for me, they carry me so far away from feeling, it makes me vomit. 

ps: fuck existentialism.

ps2: this is not a 'sex and the city' take-out. i am not pretending to be sarah jessica parker.